I want to be beautiful.
I want to laugh and smile with my teeth
in a way where people won’t notice my crooked hair and chapped lips.
I want them to think, “Woah, I wish I could look like her.”
I don’t want to be me. I want to be someone prettier.
For once I want to be someone better.
I don’t want to be that girl again,
hood tucked all the way up to my chin so no one could see this ugly,
Ugly
Ugly
Mess.
I don’t want to look in the mirror and see all the flaws that I see scattered all over me.
I don’t want to be told that “I’ve never seen two pretty best friends.”
Because I know I will never be that friend.
I will always be the one that's seen as someone to feel better about.
I don’t want to cover my teeth when I laugh because I’m scared someone will point out my yellow teeth.
For once, I want to be pretty.
I want to feel good today.
I want to make sure my sleeves don’t cuff around my shoulders,
So tight to make the fat leak out.
I want to make sure that my hair doesn’t stick out,
and poof up like it’s too big for my head.
I want to be admired and told, “You look so good!”I want to look good enough, so I’m noticed, I’m seen.
Because if no one will tell me that I’m good enough, I want to shine so bright that they have to.
Because, for once, I want to be the girl on the other side.
Some new kids and boys from the volleyball team will join us today. To be honest, I don’t know anyone here that well there. I’m playing with these people in a volleyball championship, and we recently just won our tournament. I guess my team got so excited and decided to invite me to their celebration party. The whole competition isn’t even over yet, but I guess it’s good to celebrate the small victories. The celebration was in a bowling alley in the busiest spot of town, squished between an arcade and a convenience store. Probably the place most middle schoolers go. I’m going to be really honest: I’m not the most social person you’ll meet, so maybe this will be a chance to make friends or whatever they say on those advertising billboards. It was all new, but hey, it’s the experience that matters. I am in the bathroom, trying to hype myself up before I meet everyone.
I finally finished touching up on my outfit for probably the fifteenth time. My hair was arranged on the top of my head just right, so maybe, just maybe, I could be beautiful. Hopefully, that’s what happens today.
After staring at my face for a couple of seconds, I took a couple of deep breaths before I decided it was good enough. You can do this. You’ll kill it out there, Irene. I splashed my face with a bit of sink water before quickly heading out of the bathroom before the paranoia could settle in.
I swung the door open, stepping out way too fast and nearly crashing into a couple. They shot me a look before scurrying down the stairs. Whoops. That was embarrassing.
It was dark inside, the only thing I could see being my two shoes and my hand. The disco ball didn’t provide enough light for me to see properly, probably because it’s underfunded and only middle schoolers go there. But hey, I can’t judge because I’m in middle school.
I walked up to the cashier, telling him the number the place was reserved for, and asked for a pair of bowling shoes my size. He looked really tired, which I can’t blame him for ‘cause this place is in a constant state of night at this point. He handed me my things, telling me to head down a flight of stairs to meet them. Giving him a nod of thank you, I quickly made my way down to where he instructed me to go.
Squinting through the dark, I easily spotted the group I was supposed to be with. As I approached them, a girl named Seoyoon waved at me. I was surprised that someone actually recognized me, which was dumb because they invited me here. But the feeling was nice.
I sat down at one of the soft benches, setting down my things as I said hi to everyone there. The reactions were pretty nonchalant, but they were reactions nonetheless. This one guy, I think he was one of the other volleyball kids in a different school, was surrounded by his friends. They all looked at him discreetly, pointing at me and then looking at him again. He looked annoyed and flushed a shade of pink, batting them away.
Did I dress weird or did his friends just catcall me? Boys are weird. You have to assume the worst.
It was uncomfortable, but what could I do about it? The others seemed fine, and I didn’t want to look sensitive or anything.
“Don’t mind them. They’re just teasing all the time.” A voice said above me. Her name was Danielle, and she was on my team and seemed to be nice enough. She flashed me a smile, giving one of the boys there a teasing look.
She invited me to bowl with the other team girls and some other people, and it was a good time, throwing balls and missing horribly. Laughing in a group felt good. It felt good when they called me funny and asked why I hadn’t talked to them before. Of course, I didn’t tell them about my crippling anxiety about talking to other people. I just said I was a little shy. And they called me adorable, which was the best feeling I got in a while.
We all sat down, deciding to take a break and socialize with the people who weren’t bowling and just talking.
“You guys are so anti-social,” Seoyoon said, grinning at them as she sat down next to me. “Seriously, what are you guys even talking about anyway?”
The group then burst into chatter, the same group of boys whispering amongst each other and looking at me AGAIN. Seriously, what is up with that? This time, I stared back at them, trying to make them as uncomfortable as possible.
As everyone talked amongst themselves, I was pulled into the conversation with them.
"Oh my god, did you hear about how the coach dated a player?"
"That team from that rich private school sucks soooo bad."
"Remember that cute guy I met at the match? Turns out he had a girlfriend! What a player."
It was just the kind of conversation I would have dreamed of, surrounded by people I fit in with, all gossiping about something new. It was all just so…new. And I didn't plan on letting it go. I was talking right along with them, smiling and laughing so naturally.
Then, the guy who had blushed at the start got up and sat next to me, his friends teasing him. I was confused, but no one else seemed to be. In fact, they all seemed to be encouraging it. It was weird, but…whatever.
"Oh woah, Andrew, you're making moves, aren't you?" one of his friends cooed, chuckling. "Come on, why don't you guys hold hands?"
Everyone then turned to me expectantly, causing me to freeze up. I didn't know what to say, really. I didn't want to do it at all. But that'd make me a party pooper, and I don't want them to think of me like that. He grabbed my hand. I awkwardly sat there as I tried to make it look like it was normal. I didn't know if everyone was in on it or not, but they all seemed happy and seemed to be having fun, so maybe I should just go along with it.
“Haha…anyways, what was that you said about the volleyball teacher?” I asked, trying to shift the topic away from whatever this was. But no one seemed interested in that. They just kept poking fun at my somewhat obvious discomfort as my hand sweat in his, and he squeezed it even harder. Eventually, they did move on. Thank god for that.
"Guys, guys, who want to play truth or dare?" some boy asked. Everyone else agreed, and I was excited to get back to the fun that we were having before.
"I'll go first!" Seoyoon piped up. "I choose to dare."
"Ooh, what should we do, guys?" Andrew, next to me, laughed. "What do you think?'
He turned to me, and then so did everyone else. They were asking me. They wanted MY opinion. I was used to being pushed aside a lot. Being the person in the back, no one noticed until I said something. With these people, I feel seen. I'm the girl on the other side.
"I think maybe she should…chug a glass of soda really fast."
Oh god, that was so lame. "Chug a glass of soda"? Who even says that? What were they even going to think of me? But instead of making fun of me, they agreed with me.
"Oh my gosh, that's so harsh!" Seoyoon joked, grinning at me. The others laughed along as well, patting my shoulder as if I said something incredible. I could feel myself smiling as well. She drank the soda and we continued on like this for a couple of other people until it was my turn.
"Irene, truth or dare?" Danielle asked, finally turning to me.
"Dare," I said, not wanting to be boring.
"I dare you to kiss Andrew right now."
I froze, and so did Andrew. I didn't want to do that. I didn't even know the guy. "Uh…" I stuttered, not knowing what to do.
"Come on, Irene, do it!" Everyone chanted, and my head finally turned to him. To me, he didn't seem upset about it at all.
"Aw, are you guys shy? Just do it in the other room." Danielle said, a cheeky look on her face as she pointed to the separate booth on the other end. Feeling pressured, we awkwardly stood up and headed over there. As we sat down, he leaned over to kiss me right on the lips. I flinched a little but squeezed my eyes shut and let it happen. After the moment passed, I assumed it was over. But it wasn't. In the privacy of the booth, he tried to do it again, and I let him. I really didn't want to, but what was worse was being the loser here.
Then it went too far. Andrew tried to touch under my shirt, and that was when I yanked his hand off.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" I yelled, backing off.
"What do you mean? You WANTED this to happen. You let it." He said, crossing his arms. He leaned over again to try and grab me again, but I resisted. "Come on, don't be boring."
"I thought it was just some dare that we had to do," I said, narrowing my eyes.
He looked even more upset as he glared. "Then what was all this for? You led me on, didn't you?"
"What are you even saying? I wasn't!" I protested, confused.
"Yes, you did! This whole time, you were flirting, and now you're telling me you don't want to?"
What. The. Hell. Did I lead him on? Was it really my fault? A guilty feeling started creeping up on me. Maybe I was being dramatic. Andrew suddenly did it again, this time trying to stick his tongue into my mouth. I made a sound of surprise, trying to push him off as I struggled. I obviously couldn't; he's stronger and all I could do was helplessly stay there until he finished with it.
He finally shot me one last look before he headed off back to the group. I followed right behind him, still shocked. It surprised me most that he sat back down and talked as if nothing happened. Was this normal?
I uncomfortably sat down as well, my posture tense and my dialogue robotic. Seoyoon and Danielle noticed how quiet I was and asked what was wrong in front of everyone. Should I say it?
"I uh, didn't really want to kiss Andrew." I blurted out. "I dunno, it just made me uncomfortable."
All the guys immediately started teasing, punching Andrew's shoulder. "Ooh! Andrew, not even the new girl likes you." I could see him turning red for embarrassment.
Seoyoon looked at me in confusion, frowning a little. "Didn't you want it though?" She asked.
Huh? Why was everyone saying that?
"No! I didn't. I was just going along with it 'cause I thought it was normal." I replied.
"Not gonna lie, Irene, you were kind of asking for it." Danielle chirped up. "You two were flirting this whole time and all we did was set you guys up.”
I gave her a confused look, shaking my head as I opened my mouth to protest, but I was caught off by Seoyoon. “If you didn't want it, you could’ve just said it. You weren’t doing anything to stop it.” Then they just turned around as if it were nothing. I didn’t want it! I just did it so I could fit in! I wanted to scream and kick, but I couldn’t. Were they upset with me? I had to check.
“Sorry uh, do you want to keep playing truth or dare?” I asked timidly. No one answered, all ignoring me except some boys giving me a glance. They were mad at me. Shoot. The girl I wanted to be wouldn’t be like this. She’d laugh and let a boy kiss her.
The rest was a blur as everyone talked without me, and I just sat there, alone. Then I felt a hand wrap around my behind and squeeze it before quickly snatching back. I immediately stood up, whipping my body to see what it was.
“What the hell?!” I exclaimed, seeing that it was Andrew. “What’s wrong with you?”
He just raised his two hands and looked at me as everyone else stared. “Don’t be so dramatic, I just touched you a little.” I wanted to scream insults, but the look everyone gave me made me sit down again. They just looked at me and muttered before going back to their conversation. Great. Now I made it worse. I started panicking and started trying to think of ways to get them to like me again. God, what was I even doing?
“I’m gonna go to the bathroom,” I mumbled, standing up quickly and rushing in the direction. No one said anything. Of course, they didn’t.
I was back in here again, but this time, I wasn’t hopeful. I felt a pit of despair sit in my stomach as I leaned over the sink, taking a couple of deep breaths as I tried to think of something as I fixed my hair. They were nice at first, they talked to me and everything! What happened now? I started racking my brain for something that might have been wrong. Did I ever lead Andrew on? I barely knew the guy! He was the one who kissed me, and I only went because I thought it would be just a quick peck, something that we’d never talk about again. No one told me that it would be more, and then they started blaming me. Did I just have no social cue at all? But then he grabbed my butt, and everyone just looked at me like I was some kind of alien. Looking back, this really wasn’t my fault at all. I can’t do this right now. I just wanna go home.
I grabbed my bag, pushed out the door, and returned my shoes to the cashier. He didn’t question anything and just placed it behind the counter. I didn’t tell anyone I was leaving; they wouldn’t care either.
Stepping out into the light hurt my eyes a little, and I shielded my eyes from it as I tried calling for a taxi. There weren't many people around, and getting one to come to my direction was easy enough. One stopped by, and I opened the door to let myself in.
I wanted to be beautiful. I wanted to be one of them.
I wanted to be the girl on the other side.
I wanted them to think I was cool, that I was likable.
I tried, for once, to be someone better.
I wanted to be one of those people on the billboards,
Pretty girls and handsome guys linked arms as the photo captures them mid-laugh.
I did everything I was supposed to
I laughed, I cracked jokes, and I did what they told me to
They didn’t see my crooked teeth or my messed up hair,
They didn’t comment on my face
So why, why is this happening to me?
About the Author:
Joelle Oh is 13 and in the 7th grade. She is from Seoul, Korea. She has been
published in her school magazine, Magpie, and is a two-time winner of the spooky story contest sponsored by her school. Writing is her passion. She explores themes such as what it feels like to be a female in society and hopes to bring awareness to important issues like gender equality. When not writing, you can find Joelle playing competitive badminton and spending time with her friends.
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